ChAr_mA_I_n3

I never knew this could be so important to me..


When I first get the news, of course, anybody will be excited. I did. For several months, I dreamed about how my life would be there, how lucky I am not to go alone. Which made me kinda overexcited and neglected the most important part.

The memories were blur. Those left were what my dreams were about my life there. The preparation and how did I got the late SAT exam date, I could barely remember. I was quite confident. English Literature, piece of cake. U.S. history, I knew I needed to study, but I thought everything would be okay eventually.

Realised that English Literature is boring for me. I loved English, but I hated English Literature. U.S. history, they are impossible to me now. Materials that the locals study for several years, you're requiring me to understand it within month? Just like usual, I gave up.

The last few months when people were working hard, I was a free spirit. I had been planning. Oh yes, the plans were changing, but there were always plans. But I was certain that it's okay, what matters was I get to go.

Exam is over. I have been on a holiday for two months, it feels no different than before. No happiness and excitement after the exams.

After some discussion with my father, that night, I wasn't sure how my plans altered, all I knew was I was more confident. The next morning, the institute popped into my head. I woke up earlier, without thinking, I went to the computer, and began searching for it.

And here I am, in the middle of a last minute application, never knew what I wanted, having been too afraid to pursue what I liked, nervous that I would not be accepted. I work harder than before. This thing makes me nervous, my heart beat quickened, I asked for help from strangers, from my ex-teachers, hoping they might be able to help me.

I know, if I failed this year, I would try again next year. Have been wondering for few months, finally I got it. Will never give up. This is just a first step.

I'm quite a loner these days. Basically, I seldom talk in school. That hurts me and it gave me lots of time to think about nonsense which continue to affect me mentally. I dunno why I will end up like this. This is exactly like what happened to Rebecca Bloomwood in Confessions of a Shopaholic. It's just that, I don't have debt in the case of money, but studies.

I've reached this point where I hope to start a new level and getting another chance to solve this thing. I'm eaten up by my mind. My mind controls me. I am lazy. Motivation? Dream? Goal? I have them. But right now, dunno why, they become not so important anymore. Or rather say, I'm not requesting anything for my life. I just wanna move on and live a normal life at home.

There are thoughts like people hating me, ignoring me, just because I gave up on my studies. I dunno whether it's true, but that's what I thought. " They love science and maths unlike me ; I love English which is so boring to them." Sometimes I wonder whether it's my problem or theirs. I was noisy in school when I was in secondary school. But now..I'm having more and more negative thoughts in me.

Sometimes I wonder whether I need to seek help from the experts, or it is just me who can solve this. This is what's happening now.

I've changed I'm lazy I'm wasting time I'm destroying my future I'm thinking nonsense I'm hating myself I'm feeling ugly sometimes I'm unmotivated I'm a living dead I'm complaining I'm not changing and improving

Do I need a little bit more patience? Or lessons? Or punishment? Or a camp? Or motivation?

I wanna leave. I'm bored of sitting at home waiting for the possibilities. I wanna go to the outside world somewhere nobody knows me. I feel like a rubbish. Why am I hurting myself?

OK it's been a really long time since I'd updated.


Went through quite a lot of things which is inconvenient to mention here. But they were over I guess. Living a relax life at the moment. As a form six student, I'm considered to be relaxed.

For your information, I'll be sitting for SAT exam on 10th October. Wish me luck that I can get the results that my dream universities will accept. I'm quite confident in this for dunno why but at the same time don't want myself to be too confident as I'll be heart broken if I failed to go.

It's my birthday on Monday. Dad's bringing us for seafood at the port while Monday I'll skip school to go out with HC. I was having a depression period trapped in my own self-pity world. Now I'm more open minded and relax about studies or you can say half given up but still moving forward. I guess I can't force myself too far for maths and chemistry organics so instead I'll try my luck on bio and PA.


After the freaking depression period, I realised that I didn't shop for a long time. Well it wasn't exactly long for some person. So, I decided to shop for boots and bags and clothes on Monday. Muahahahah.


It's quite sad sometimes if you consider my attitude towards Form six. But what can I do don't think too much study what you can take the exam be happy and graduate! I'm more concerned about SAT though. 'Cause it's not tough as what I thought. High school level thingy. But I'm so happy going back to Form six cuz I get to go to PROM! I was wondering where can I wear my pretty dresses to since I love buying them and dressing up and make up and everything. I've never been to prom in my entire life but I hope the juniors will try hard to make it like the American's typical prom. I wanna bring along HC to be my partner and it'll be a once in a lifetime experience!


After coming back from tozan I started to like things from Japan and I went for Japanese food and green tea ice cream more than before. I miss the sakura flower the oh-so-clean drains the busy Tokyo the bus the toilets the ramen the rice the japanese manner the weather the relaxed mind the plane the airport. oh I wanna go again and again. God bless me I'll work part time during the summer holidays next year if that's what it takes to go to tozan with HC and my family.


p.s. Dictionary became my friend recently I was so busy searching for the meaning of words I found in the SAT literature study guide. I'm exposed to more words plus I suck in vocab although I rock in grammer. Ahem.

Why do I like to stay up late?

I get to do what I want, without any disturbance.

I get to read all my favourite books, not textbook or reference books.

I get some peace, without mom asking me to do my homework and revision.

I get to enjoy the air-conditioned bedroom, which is hot during the afternoon.

I get to imagine and dream about my future plans and shopping lists.

This is why, I stay up late during the holidays. I sleep a lot during the afternoon, but I can't help it. Cuz I love nights.

I need help. I can feel like I'm on the edge towards depression.

I am half way giving up.

It hurts when even my friend was suprised that I can't even write a simple equation.

I know..

Useless, lazy, undetermined, giving up, no discipline, failure.

I was suicidal.

I ran away from it.

Ran away, feels happy.

But deep inside, it's bleeding.

You wanna save it.

You are stucked in a junction.

You dunno which direction to go.

You dunno how to go.

I need help.

I know no one can ever help me.

In my mind, no one understand what I need, what's the problem.

I fail, that's my fault.

But don't make me feel like I'm useless.

It's my future which I'm sacrificing, not yours.

I know you want me to be good.

I dunno how to save myself.

Before it's too late.

Before you watch me die.

I can't help it.

I'm useless.

I'm full of love.

I meet good people.

But I feel lonely.

Depression over. Continue with STPM. Preparing for SAT. (god dammit my consultation was delayed due to H1N1)

Cracking my head on what major I would prefer. I will need to know cuz I have to decide which subject tests to take in SAT. I still don't have any idea how to prepare for it. Anyone experienced? I'm quite sure on my minors though. Lol. They are fun and I'm really looking forward to it.

In the meantime, STPM. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I'll do what I can do. Without any pressure. Right now, all I want is improvement. No more nonsense thoughts. No more pressures. I should appreciate these few months I have with my BFFs.

And lastly, Na Myo Ho Ren Ge Kyo. Dedicated to Nichiren Soshu.

Saying this in front of many people. Saying that I'm no longer emotional, no longer thinking nonsense and started to think positively. Saying that I started to share my problems with my father.

Well, it seems that that's not the case. I must be lying.

I am happier these days, oh yes, when I totally neglect my studies and put everything about studies behind my head. But when it came to the moment when I have to face it, I broke down.

School is like hell to me these days. I go to school on a new day feeling good. But going back home feeling useless and stupid. My BFFs, those who seem to be so close with me, are actually far from me. I don't feel that I belong with them. They are brainiacs. I'm a brainless. Things they talk about, I have no idea. My problems, I have no courage to share with them. Topics that I don't understand, I stopped asking whenever I see their impatient faces, which make me feel more stupid than usual.

The thing I'd learnt in Form six is don't cry at school, cuz people won't bother. In opposite, you will look like a stupid pathetic person to them. Weak, a quitter, tragic and stupid. It's not worth it. And so, every day, I hold on to my tears until I reach home. The moment I reached home, I forget everything. Once in a while, I broke down and cry. It's like a spa treatment once in a month. But still, thing never change.

My father, oh yes, we are closer, we talked more, we smile, we laugh. But then, my true emotions, my hidden thoughts, remain hidden. I have no courage to tell him, when he's facing financial problems himself. I couldn't dare to let him know what kind of daughter he actually has. I couldn't tell him, that I actually been hoping to quit. Hoping, at the moment, to be infected with H1N1, just to get to run away for a while. But I don't wanna hurt him, disappoint him. He trusted me, since I got my straight As in UPSR, it was unexpected. But now........

Last time when I was in secondary school, I cried whenever I want. I was the girl who couldn't hide my own feelings, which are shown on my face. But now, I hide bad feelings. I don't want people to hate me. I don't want them to think I'm psycho for wanting to get H1N1. I don't want them to think that I'm a quitter.

But then, there's confusion. In my mind, every day, I am shouting to myself, "Oh yes, I'm brainless and stupid and lazy, so what?? ","Oh fuck, yes I don't care about my Maths, so what? I could've quit if I am allowed." But I know, I will never said that in front of people, I don't want them to think that I'm a weirdo, a stupid, a psycho, a pathetic thing. URGH.

I hate myself too. So what? THIS IS ME.